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Tuesday, 27 August 2019

Why men change for women

Men with low self-esteem tend to perceive low value. They lack strong core values ​​because they are constantly seeking approval. These are the men who have difficulty maintaining the status quo. They feel the need to meet the metrics of everyone else to feel valued. They believe that without acceptance there is no value.

If one does not believe that they are of high value, an inferiority gap arises. This places the values ​​of others on a pedestal and considers them more important. As a result, these types tend to be run over by others.

If you feel that they are of little value, it is likely that they will base their sense of achievement and appreciation on how well they are meeting the needs of others, rather than on their own. Although the whole idea is to gain the consent of others, this needy behavior actually repels others. Not to mention that it invites all kinds of problems into one's life.
My first post-college relationship was with Kathy 1, who was uncomfortably close to her ex-boyfriend. It bothered me that they wrote so much, but I missed it because it was stunningly beautiful and very sexual. Her beauty has made me create a halo effect.2 I found her more valuable than myself, despite the behavior I found unappealing.

As a result, she went over me. She was vacationing with her ex-boyfriend, explaining that it meant nothing when I expressed how much it frustrated me. Nevertheless, I stayed in an unfulfilled relationship for a year and a half. After we parted, I stayed for another year as "friends with benefits". She got what she wanted, but I did not. It generated anxiety, self-doubt and uncertainties.

Toxic relationships do not occur without reason. They occur because you tolerate the negative and manipulative behavior. They occur because you engage in manipulative behavior by responding unhealthily. I made the bed of my poisonous relationship.

I was much more emotional in their value than invested in my own, so I tolerated their manipulative behavior for far too long. Do you remember Joe, the investment banker, who is seeking external validation? One night, he introduced himself to a local café owned by a beautiful brunette called Sami. She had just graduated from college and bought tickets for a rock concert. Joe is attracted to her, even though he naturally feels repelled by her musical taste. He has never liked rock and does not know any of the band names she mentioned.

He gets her number anyway and they go out on a few dates. It turns out that she is a pretty wild child. She has several tattoos and piercings that are unreasonable by Joe's standards. But Joe can not help but be seduced by her beauty. He has never been with such an attractive woman before.

During the next year of their relationship, Joe visits numerous rock'n'roll concerts, gets a Prince Albert piercing, and a big tattoo on his back that says I'm a devil for no reason.

Finally, Joe is dismissed from his job due to his new personality and attitude. He hates it anyway, because it prevents him from rocking and being a "bad boy".

After thirteen months in the relationship, Joe finds out that Sami slept with some local rock artists, took drugs that he did not know were involved, and participated in orgies. A month later, Sami stops giving back his lyrics and phone calls.

He loses his mind. He is about to kill himself. Joe has been on a pretty emotional roller coaster ride in recent years. From changing his personality to tattooing and firing. All of these transformations and many other subtle changes reinforced Joe's belief that he lacked something in his life.

A few months later, Joe looks at himself in the mirror. He has absolutely no idea who he is. He lost the one job he loved, and he lost all credibility as one of the best investment bankers in his office.

Joe is what most people call a friend chameleon. He is the guy who adapts his lifestyle to that of his new girlfriend. This is what I call falling into the values ​​of another. We do this because we perceive ourselves as inferior and consider someone's values ​​and lifestyle to be more convincing than our own.
People with low self-esteem seek out people who consider them more valuable and then adapt to that person, hoping to gain their love and recognition. Andre in the TV show The League is a prime example. The motivation for this behavior is not an interest in expanding one's identity, but a fear that one must have to close the inferiority gap. It is a belief that one has to change one's values ​​and interests in order to earn love.

In addition, values ​​are contextual. Joe had a high profile, but considered himself a low profile in the dating market. The irony is his low value in the dating market, and the desire to gain recognition causes him to lose his high value in the career he loves, something more than a woman's physical appearance. If you revisit my post, you'll find that Joe puts more emphasis on physical attraction rather than emotional happiness in a relationship.

Joe has made his bed, and now he's the only one responsible for losing his career. He is not only unemployed but also has a Prince Albert piercing and a stupid tattoo. Every time he looks in the mirror, he can not believe how much he has done for the recognition of this woman. What a prince!

I was also guilty. The way to get over these value problems is to strengthen one's self-esteem. Not by focusing on a woman, but focusing on expanding one's identity, discovering new passions, and cultivating meaningful relationships that provide one with a sense of value. I've spent two years working on my perceived value, and that's how I feel strongly about who I am. Now I will stand up for myself if my limits, values ​​and needs are not met.

The irony of Joe's entire situation is that Sami was attracted to Joe before he changed himself. She found value in his identity and his passions, but when he began to change to be more like her, she found him less valuable and started treating him like crap. Value systems are largely unconscious, but they are always visible through their own actions.

The goal of life should be to find somebody one finds valuable and vice versa. This type of relationship strengthens your own perceived value and makes you feel meaningful and happy.

Action steps:
What are some activities that you do for yourself? Do you like to write? To do sports? Do you take the time in your life to do these things, or do you drop things that you love to get love? The latter is poisonous and delays the inevitable. Strong self-esteem and boundaries create a greater sense of value and enable you to get the love you deserve.

This is a false name to protect the identity of the person I dated with. ↩
A halo effect is a cognitive distortion in which our overall impression of a person influences our feelings and thoughts about the character of that person. When we find them attractive, the halo effect makes us believe that they are also a good person who overlooks their strange behavior or makes excuses for it. Also known as the principle "What is beautiful is good". ↩

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